Aleksey Vayner

Probably the epitome of puffery blown out of proportion. In October 2006, Vayner, a Yale student, sent UBS AG a job application. Except it wasn’t your typical CV+cover letter+transcript+references. No, it was a video resume. “BALLIN!”, you say. Well maybe, sort of. Take a look:

Let’s forget for a second that we have a twenty-something year old referring to himself as an “inspiration”. This was supposed to be his resume, and I really don’t see the conveyance of any value added he can provide a prospective employer. If this hotshot was hired, I’d imagine he’d just be up on his soapbox waxing random bullshit about personal success all day.

This video wouldn’t have been so bad if he didn’t make other outrageous claims such as:

• The Dalai Lama wrote his college recommendation letter.
• He worked for the CIA.
• He taught Jerry Seinfeld and Harrison Ford how to play tennis.
• He was a participant in Tibetan gladiatorial competitions.
• He is an expert practitioner of Chinese orthopedic massage.
• He was the original developer of Napster.

Though to his credit, he did set in motion an internet meme that in turn became sort of parodied by an actually awesome dude.

Lucy Gao

Ridiculed far and wide as “Citi girl”, Gao was an intern for Citi’s Real Estate Equity Research group. She was planning on hosting an elaborate 21st birthday celebration at the Ritz and wanted to send out some invites to her glitzy shindig. Most students create a Facebook event or send a few short text messages, or slap together a 5-liner email. Not Lucy G. Her anal-retentiveness led her to draft this detailed email invite:

From: Gao, Lucy [CIR]
Sent: 16 August 2006 12:53
Subject: Details and instructions for Lucy’s Ritz Party

Dear Friends,

Thank you for all your replies and I am glad all of you can come this Friday to celebrate my 21st with me. Please read ALL the following to ensure your entry into the Ritz.

Lucy’s 21st Birthday Party at The Ritz Hotel London

Friday, 18th of August
9pm Champagne Reception
10pm Photo Shoots
10:30pm Blowing Candles

Mid-night Pangaea, Mayfair
I have arranged the Ritz to host a Champagne Reception with a selection of Ritz Champagne for all my guests, this will be on me so please come and indulge.

A specially made birthday cake has also been ordered and the Ritz waiters will kindly serve you each a generous slice with Ritz cutleries, etc…also on me.

INSTRUCTIONS FOR ENTRY:
* When you arrive, take the Hotel entry on the opposite side of the Green Park tube station [Please refer to your arrival time at the end of this email]
* When asked “how can I help you Sir/Madame?”, you reply “I am here for Lucy’s Birthday Party at the Rivoli Bar”
* You will be escorted to the lounge area next to the Rivoli bar, where you will hopefully see a gorgeous group of ladies.

If you experience any issues getting in or getting to the Ritz, please call my mobile on 07782 205 450 and my PA Ms Gill will kindly deal with your queries between 8:30pm to 10pm.

STRICT DRESS CODE:
Gentlemen: Jacket, shirt, and please also bring a tie (no jeans, trainers, flip-flops, polo-shirts)
Ladies: skirt/top, cocktail dress (no denim, min-skirts, flip-flips, bad tastes)
Advice 1: It goes without saying that the more upper-class you dress, the less likely you shall be denied entry.
Advice 2: Photos will be taken between 10pm to 10:30pm, and these will be distributed once processed, therefore you may want to be well-groomed! ;)

Finally…
I will be accepting cards and small gifts between 9pm to 11pm… <wink> hehehe

I very much look forward to seeing you all at the Ritz this Friday.

Lucy

ARRIVAL TIMES: [Please stick to these as best as you can, thank you]
9:00pm: Lucy, Sophie Sandner, Kajai, Mandeep, Preet, Sanami, Su, Lisa, Kate.
9:15pm: Phoebe, Sophie Seugnet, Theo, Dmitry, Ed, Nikolay, Paul, Nick, Harry.
9:30pm: Marco, Andrea, Jess, Ovi, Yuki, Olga, Kim, Marcelo, Ulyana, Krystal, Dan.
9:45pm: Sunita, Alan, JingJing, Emma.
10:00pm: Anthony, Rachel, Roger, Uli, Yogi, Gharzi

Lucy Gao
Citigroup | Real Estate Equity Research
4th Floor, Citigroup Centre (CGC1)
25 Canada Square, London E14 5LB
Direct Line: +44 207 986 4116
Fax: +44 207 986 4341
Mobile: +44 778 220 5450
Email: lucy.gao@citigroup.com

This chick has a PA. If you are 21 years old, unless you are Blair Waldorf, your life is most likely not significant enough to qualify for needing a freaking PA!!! Also, she has a set time to blow out candles and scheduled arrival times for individuals. I wonder if her friends actually put up with that. In any case, I didn’t quite catch where it’s gonna be at… the Hilton or something?

Peter Chung

This stud was a 24-year old Princeton grad who landed a job with The Carlyle Group in Seoul back in May 2001.  Deciding his life of “fuck[ing] every hot chick in Korea” was too awesome to keep to himself, he fired off this email to 11 of his friends back at Merrill Lynch New York, where he used to work:

From: Peter Chung
Subject: LIVING LIKE A KING
Date: Tue, 15 May 2001 20:26:21 -0400

So I’ve been in Korea for about a week and a half now and what can I say, LIFE IS GOOD….

I’ve got a spanking brand new 2000 sq. foot 3 bedroom apt. with a 200 sq. foot terrace running the entire length of my apartment with a view overlooking Korea’s main river and nightline.  Why do I need 3 bedrooms?  Good question,  the main bedroom is for my queen size bed, where CHUNG is going to fuck every hot chick in Korea over the next 2 years (5 down, 1,000,000,000 left to go) the second bedroom is for my harem of chickies, and the third bedroom is for all of you fuckers when you come out to visit my ass in Korea.

I go out to Korea’s finest clubs, bars and lounges pretty much every other night on the weekdays and everyday on the weekends to (I think in about 2 months, after I learn a little bit of the buyside business I’ll probably go out every night on the weekdays). I know I was a stud in NYC but I pretty much get about, on average, 5-8 phone numbers a night and at least 3 hot chicks that say that they want to go home with me every night I go out.

I love the buyside,I have bankers calling me everyday with opportunties and they pretty much cater to my every whim – you know (golfing events, lavish dinners, a night out clubbing). The guys I work with are also all chilll – I live in the same apt building as my VP and he drives me around in his Porsche (1 of 3 in all of Korea) to work and when we go out. What can I say,…. live is good,…
CHUNG is KING of his domain here in Seoul

So,  all of you fuckers better keep in touch and start making plans to come out and visit my ass ASAP, I’ll show you guys an unbelievable time.
My contact info is below…. Oh, by the way, someone’s gotta start fedexing me boxes of domes, I
brought out about 40 but I think I’ll run out of them by Saturday…..

Laters,
CHUNG

Peter Chung
The Carlyle Group
Suite 1009, CCMM Bldg.
12, Yoido-dong, Youngdeungpo-ku
Seoul 150-010, Korea
Tel: (822) 2004-8412
Fax: (822) 2004-8440
email: pchung@thecarlylegroup.co.kr

If you didn’t quite get that last part, “domes” is referring to condoms. A friend of his thought it’d be hilarious to forward the email to someone else. Soon enough, the CHUNG’s sexual prowess was widely known by almost everyone in banking and he was subsequently terminated from his post at TCG.

Jeffrey Chiang

Jeff Chiang’s display of douchebaggerism is actually pretty recent. In fact, he gained notoriety just this past week. To sum up, Chiang had an interview with Morgan Stanley (MS), and when asked if he had any other offers, he fabricated one from Bank of America Merrill Lynch (BAML). Vice versa, he had told BAML that he was in second round interviews for MS when he only in fact had a first round phone interview. Unfortunately for him, the banking world is quite small, and he eventually got dinged by his interviewers with industry connections. Here is the email chain:

From: xxxxx (BoAML person)
Sent: Thursday, October 15, 2009 4:43 PM
To: xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx (Other people at other banks)
Subject: FW: Jeffrey Chiang

I don’t know if this guy has come up on your radar screens in terms of analyst recruits, but you need to be warned about him. I should have been tipped off by the fact that he ran a “5K marathon” on his resume.
I just figured something got lost in translation.

I interviewed him on campus, and while he was pretty weird/intense, he seemed like somebody who would crank and potentially make for a good analyst, so we waved him in for an office visit.

Things started going bad for him when I got a call from our HR department about him during our Superday. In making his travel arrangements with our travel agent, he had apparently made a big stink about needing to stay at the Four Seasons and blew up on the travel person. It was apparently bad enough that she went to the trouble to inform our HR department.

Our Superday reviews on him were pretty mixed, nonetheless. He had spent a summer at Gulfstar, so I did a bit of checking on him there, and it became clear that they were also very unimpressed with the way that he carried himself. So, we dinged him, but that is not where the story ends.

He had told one of the associates in our office that he was in the second round of interviews for MS’s Palo Alto office. Well, our associate happened to mention this to his friend that works in the MS Palo Alto office and the associate at MS said that Jeff had had only had a phone interview but had indicated that he had an offer from BAML.
When the MS team asked him to send proof of his offer, he manufactured the email below and forwarded to the MS team.

We have notified UT of this joker’s behavior, but needless to say, this guy shouldn’t be able to get a job at McDonalds after a stunt like this.

xxxxx

—–Original Message—–
From: xxxxx (MS person)
Sent: Wednesday, October 14, 2009 12:58 AM
To: xxxxx (BoAML person)
Subject: FW: Bank of America Merrill Lynch Interviews

This is what Jeffrey sent Morgan Stanley to prove he received an offer from your firm. Given you told me you dinged him, should I assume this is fake? If so, that’s unbelievable and his school should be notified, he shouldn’t get a job anywhere on Wall Street.

—–Original Message—–
From: xxxxx (Morgan Stanley person)
Sent: Tuesday, October 13, 2009 10:47 PM
To: xxxxx (Another MS person)
Subject: Fw: Bank of America Merrill Lynch Interviews

—– Original Message —–
From: Jeffrey Chiang
To: xxxxx (Morgan Stanley person)
Sent: Tue Oct 13 22:52:34 2009
Subject: FW: Bank of America Merrill Lynch Interviews

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Chiang
Business Honors Program & Finance
Economics Honors & Advertising Honors
McCombs School of Business
The University of Texas at Austin
Email: xxxxx
Cell: xxxxx
________________________________________
From: Park, Diana
Sent: Friday, August 21, 2009 3:36 PM
To: Jeffrey Chiang
Subject: RE: Bank of America Merrill Lynch Interviews

Hi Jeff,

Everyone was very impressed with your interviews today. We are excited to formally extend to you an offer to join Bank of Ameria [sic] Merrill Lynch as an analyst next summer. You should be getting documentation in the mail to sign very shortly. If you have any further questions please feel free to email me. Again, congratulations and we look forward to having you join us next year.

Best,
Diana

—–Original Message—–
From: Jeffrey Chiang
Sent: Thursday, August 20, 2009 4:28 PM
To: Park, Diana
Subject: Bank of America Merrill Lynch Interviews

Ms. Park-

I just wanted to follow up with you regarding my interviews and the recruiting process for Bank of America Merrill Lynch and where they are in the process. Please shoot me back an email when you can. Thanks for all your help.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Chiang
Business Honors Program & Finance
Economics Honors & Advertising Honors
McCombs School of Business
The University of Texas at Austin
Email: xxxxx
Cell: xxxxx

No, “Dana Park” does not in fact exist, and can you believe this kid demanding to stay at the Four Seasons just for a Superday? Also, a tip: if you’re going to make up a fake offer, at least get the company name right. In addition, some people have reported that he made up fake clients to fill up his cold-calling list, and bribed associates during a previous internship at Goldman Sachs. Chiang then wasted no time in deleting all of his online profiles (though they can still be found through the magic of Google cache).

Of course, not everybody in banking possesses the level of haughtiness these young assclowns have displayed. But this is the kind of stuff that gets coverage and reflects on the industry as a whole. So I guess the moral of the story is… just don’t be a douchebag.

I will need to chain myself to my books when I’m not at work, so there’s nothing really to look forward to until after my exam. My only forms of entertainment will be the odd TV show (HIMYM and TBBT premiered last night!), and I will live vicariously through my newsfeeds. Tokyo Game Show 2009 begins on Thursday, so here’s hoping for some interesting gaming news. I was scoping out their site and came across this floorplan. If you look on the bottom right where the international pavilions are, you can see that the Ontario Ministry of Economic Development and Trade will be represented there. If they mentioned I might get to go to TGS, who knows, I may just have accepted their job offer :P The gaming world is abuzz with yesterday’s big release of Halo 3: ODST (apparently there was even some kind of event going down at the Fermenting Cellar), but there are quite a few good DS games I need to play:

• Professor Layton and the Diabolical Box. I loved Curious Village, and this one’s turning out to be pretty good too. Except I don’t really care for the mini-games (the camera/tea/cat stuff is so annoying). I think I’m close to the middle of the game, but I refuse to pick it up again before CFA exam cause it’s super addictive :(
• Scribblenauts. I’ve read so many great reviews, and the gameplay intrigues me so I’ll have to check it out.
• Kingdom Hearts 358/2 Days. It comes out on the 29th. I shouldn’t even have to justify why this is on my list.

Aaaaaand I just wanted to highlight a few finance-related articles that caught my interest:

• Finance prof says markets are too reliant on mathematical models, need more “common sense”. I agree! Less math makes the world a better place.
• An RBC trader was fired, supposedly over dating a Ponzi-scheming dude, and is now suing. Also, turns out her male colleagues are really lame with sexual advances (“sensy”?? Please kill yourself).
• Goldman may now want out of their bank charter to lessen regulatory influence. Namely, caps on their nice fat paychecks.

Pretty true.

In high school, it didn’t take me very long to realize that the things we were learning were going to be either obsolete or not applicable to real life by the time we entered the work force. Most subjects were too simplified and high level. Those four years were mainly used to secure a foundation for higher learning, and to help us develop the skills needed to achieve and strive for further knowledge.

I predicated my future on the basis that through the university courses I take, I would emerge with the necessary education to apply directly to a job related to my field of study. My expectations were that I’d find something I took to – a personal “thing” I enjoyed, and could see a future in. I sort of discovered an interest in finance through process of elimination, but I find that I’m unsatisfied with my learning. I know courses like MATH239 and CO370 are supposed to help with “analytical and critical thinking” development in addition to teaching us the material, but I still feel like it’s a waste of my time.

On the other hand, the finance courses I’ve taken so far don’t seem to go in depth enough. Investment Management was supposed to be interesting, but I feel like I haven’t really learned much. Efficient markets, portfolio theory, options pricing, okay, but it seems that this course is too broad, still “building a foundation”, and there’s still so much more to know. It’s like whenever something starts to become slightly interesting or go in depth, we’d just move on. If everything I ask “why?” to is “beyond the scope of the course”, where am I supposed to find the answer? Would I be forced to pursue post-graduate education? I want to know more; the details, the innards, the linkages, the “icky” parts that are glossed over.

I guess what it comes down to is that I just don’t feel ready to hit the job market. I don’t think I’ve learned everything I need to. And having only one year left, I don’t think I will. I realize more and more that education is no replacement for valuable industry experience. In a strange way I feel that undergrad has failed me. This is just something that’s been frustrating me lately.

Today an NYT article caught my eye: Obama Pushes Broad Rules for Oversight of Derivatives. Basically the US government is considering regulation for standard derivatives (like the ever-so-toxic CDS). With these kinds of articles, I usually find the comments to be more interesting because objectiveness gives me a lot more insight. I think it’s great that major newspapers decided to publish online articles and allow for community discussions. The reader interaction really supplements the content well. Also for some reason, the first thing that popped into my head after reading this piece was the amount of ISDA headaches that would arise… @__@

In other news, I ate cookies for lunch today. Yesterday I had a medium pizza by myself. I’m probably going to die early.

As a student, I haven’t experienced any direct negative impact just yet. I still have my co-op job, and despite being a bit busier than usual at work, life goes on as always. I still have two years of school before being thrown into the workforce. Therefore I haven’t really thought about what I would do if I actually can’t find a decent job at graduation. I’ve always just kind of taken a “things will turn out alright” approach to life.

That being said, is it time to worry? Are you worried? About your job, your finances…etc? Should I be questioning my future, flailing my arms, and having panic attacks? Is it time for me to accept the reality?

On another (less desolate) note, you might have noticed a layout change. I think this one’s much more functional, and it saves an extra click on the first page because it displays full posts. I made some minor tweaks, including making the text area wider, so apologies to you all with the archaic 800×600 resolutions :P